Connie and Reg

Take the short bus to slowville...

Procrastinators anonymous.  There's a reason it doesn't exist.
With the best of intentions, show 51 has been in the proverbial can for a few days now - we were convinced it was so fresh, it needed to stale up a few days to make it easier on the digestive system.
Of course, since it's been a few days, your guess is as good as mine on what we may have been yammering on about.  I'm sure it had something to do with Dame Edna and hamsters. 

Nothing like hamster re-enactments to drive a message home...

If I had to watch a corporate training video, I think I'd want it to feature hamsters in all the lead roles.  After all, wouldn't it be more entertaining than watching some talking head?  Reg & I think so...so, we're working towards cracking a bold new "genre" in the world of corporate training.  Of course, if we're successful, we may soon find the world being overtaken by trained hamsters, but that's another issue altogether...for now, we'll just focus on the task at hand.
We're up to show #50 kids (for anyone who's keeping score).  Not our strongest effort right out of the gate, but don't miss out on the last bit of the show.  Our favorite supermodel makes a guest appearance: FABIO!  And Fabio has some handy tips on romance - or something to that effect.  Anyhow, give it a listen, and learn.  It's not exactly talking hamster material, but it's almost as incoherent!
cheers.

Nicotine Beer - now you can drink your butts!

Of course, you can count on the German's for efficiency...now you can multi-task your vices!  Yes, it was one of the latest news items.  Also in the news was the fact that clowns annoy doctors - surgeons in particular.  Sure, we could get into the details here...but listen to the podcast and get the answers there.
Sadly, we just realized we missed the boat on an eBay gem:  Jon Stewart's old Daily Show set was up for auction last week:  the plexi glass map...you remember it?  Well it's been sold off...Guess how much it went for.  Wrong.  Listen to the Show #49 - the answers to everything you need to know (for now) are all there...as long as you don't ask deep questions.
I'd love to keep going, but I have to pick the old cigarette butts out of my gin...it's a new invention I'm working on...
cheers.

The new "Green Bin" - it's like having a new bathroom installed in the kitchen!

Who knew you can just take a dump in that thing and send it to the curb?!  Isn't it fantastic to know that ecologic responsibility can be disgustingly convenient.  Just think on what you can save in renos!
We've discovered a new form of entertainment this weekend - and it's free.  It's called crashing in on wedding photos.  A quick trip to the public gardens gets you a front row seat at the parade of taffeta nightmares called "bridesmaids".  I suppose the reasoning behind it is that in the event the bride has a face like a can of smashed assholes, her attractive friends can look even worse than her in their hideous frocks.  We got to see a particularly tragic looking group of women looking like they were being strangled by some curtains they got tangled up in at the local bordello.  There was also the "wheelchair bride" with her lovely white cast and the nasty aluminum walker all gacked up with happy little bows.

Maybe some of you are already privy to this, we've just discovered Canada's answer to David Sedaris...and that's his equally funny pal, David Rakoff.  NPR has a fabulous interview that's worth a listen...assuming you'd like a good laugh. 
Special feature in show 48 - Fabio.  Yep, the very same one who had a smashed bird on his face after a promotional roller coaster ride...that fella.  Hear him sing!
Aren't you glad you've got us to help you get cultured?
You're welcome.

Grab yourself a drink and I'll meet you on the poop deck

Maybe we just like to complain...but why are there no good movies at the big chain theaters?  Let's just throw Ben Stiller, Adam Sandler, Vin Diesel, J-Lo, and whatever one-trick-pony stars you can think of, into the mix and shoot the ultimate god awful movie and get it over with.  How many times can you watch Ben Stiller get his wiener trapped in his zipper while having a small animal take a run at his gonads?  Just asking...
So FEMA's in the news again (did they ever leave?) with the cruise ship fiasco:  Carnival Cruise lines has a couple of ships tethered dockside to take in a large group of Katrina evacuees.  The cost?  Only $ 4,000 per week!  If they'd put them on a real cruise it would have cost closer to $600 a week.  Go figure.  Speaking of cruises...
We tried a first:  a live phone chat with the married Glickman (complete with technical glitches) so you get to hear his little Aussie accent (not one of those technical glitches) for yourself telling you about his honeymoon cruise. And to cap off show #47, you'll get to hear "swedish Elvis" Eilert Pilarm crooning "It's now or never".  Sorry, "never" just wasn't an option.

 

Another drink, another news day...

Okay, well now we're a little spooked that Rick Sanchez has gone AWOL.  There he was, reporting from the enormous Wendy's burger sign in St. Charles, as hurricane Rita was closing in...then next day, we're hearing the CNN anchors can't locate him.  We meant him no harm.  If he was tragically hit in the face by a skid of burgers, it's not our fault.  How could we know?!  Of course, it really would have made for much better TV viewing if we could have actually seen the flying burgers...but it wasn't to be, and we're just going to have to assume he's okay since we haven't heard otherwise.
Also, I do feel compelled to reply to a couple of comments
First, to Sam, thanks for taking the time to write to us.  What's particularly admirable is that you'd feel compelled to write to us in spite of a hurricane brewing in your own backyard.  God love you for having your priorities in order - hopefully, you pulled through it okay.    I know it's shocking to you that Reg and I aren't huge "Dubya" fans, but keep in mind, I drink and smoke and Reg is all hepped up on the junk.  After all, we're Canadian.
And Wayne, thanks for the compliments, and pointing out my inappropriate spelling of "vein" for "vain".  In my defense, I'd like to point out that I'm usually half to three quarters in the bag by the time I write these posts, so it's a wonder I'm capable of forming a coherent sentence...spelling's about the least of my worries, honey.  So...you want an official Connie and Reg corporate hit list?!  Geez,  people usually just ask for a t-shirt.  Lists are way too organized for me...but if you're hellbent on social awareness and a stickler for organized thought, check this out. 
Show 45 ended badly, and quickly, didn't it?  That's because we fucked up, and only 2 minutes got posted.  It's fixed and you'll get all mind numbing, gut busting 18 additional minutes now if you try again.  Show 46 has lots more of the stuff you've come to expect from us now...and as a special treat at the end...Wesley Willis sings.  Who's Wesley Willis?  You gotta hear him, because words can't even start to describe it...
cheers.

CNN: hearing your vision and working to make hurricane coverage more better

Okay...so, George Bush was on TV the other day, giving some statement from New Orleans.  Yes, you heard right:  he "hears" our vision, and claimed to be "working to make things more better". Yikes.  Speak English much, George? 
This from the guy who holds the greatest position of power in the world...so, if he's the brightest spark the States had to offer, what the hell was he running against?!  But...I digress.
This isn't about George.
Reg and I have a beef over CNN.  When did "folks" become a vernacular for "people"?  Paula Zahn seems to have a monopoly on that phrase, as she tends to use it a couple of hundred times over the course of an hour. Folks...next thing you know, you'll be hearing reporters claiming they "reckon" things are going to get worse...
More annoying, however, is the weenie correspondent Rick Sanchez.  It's like Bill Kurtis and Geraldo all rolled into one.  We're transfixed on CNN and the hurricane coverage...probably only hoping that Rick gets mercifully sucked away by a massive wave - or hit by a cow.  Either way...we're not picky.  Just as long as it happens.  At least we'll know our hours of TV viewing weren't spent in vein.
Show 45 is about venting...
Hear Connie's stirring Liza Minelli tribute impersonation...hear all about Shecky Glickman's honeymoon horrorcopter ride and realize why he drinks.
Anyhow...check it out...and stay dry.  Literally.  Now get yourself a drink, and spark up Show 45 on your ipod.  Cheers.

He lasted 69 hours and 48 minutes??!

Couch potato, thy name is Suresh. This guy from Toronto, Suresh Joachim, broke the Guinness world record for the longest time spent watching TV. He finished Friday with 69 hours and 48 minutes.  Mind you, the guy also holds another 20 world records - and some required more physical activity.  Anyhow, you can check that out for yourself if your so inclined...
There was more weird news today in show 44 - and Reg divulged his first crippling bout of reefer madness - at a gig no less!  Sadly, in other news, someone in Australia died laughing (for real).  Like I've always said, the only thing worse than dying, is dying stupid.
So, grab some booze and fire up the ipod, and check out show 44.
cheers.

Ask me about my explosive diarrhea!!!

Been there, got the t-shirt!
...and it didn't have anything to do with our mysterious absence over the past few weeks.
And, no, we weren't in rehab. 
But here's some of what we were up to:
Reg was in Vancouver for the Glickman nuptials.  No more "future" Mrs. Glickman. 
You'll be happy to know she came through on the day and now officially holds the
title: "Mrs. Glickman". 
Sadly, I (Connie), couldn't be there for the occasion. I spent a month working in the nation's capital on a new television series.  Don't be holding your breath on a new series called "Connie: the madcap misadventures of a singing liquor pig" - 'cuz that one won't be happening (the network execs weren't ready for that one yet)...but the show that is happening is about a hepped up hoolie smokin' hep cat and his lovely sobriety-challenged wife who are on the down-slide of their fabulous singing/entertaining careers and clinging onto their celebrity stardom in a cheesy Canadian network variety show.  Look up "Getting Along Famously" and find out more about the show...it's gonna be a good one.
So, summer's pretty much behind us - and thank God for that.  There just aren't enough slushy drinks in the world to get through those heat waves.  Watching Reg repeatedly melt into a pile of human goo was more than anyone should have witness...
Anyhow, we're back...and show 43 is up and running now.
Cheers!

Be thankful you're not in Kansas, (or an art collector) Dorothy...

Hey kids, it's time for weird news again...and yep, this one's from Kansas.  Exekiel Rubottom now has his foot back exactly where he wants it - in a bucket on the front porch.  Police in Kansas returned the amputated foot to him after seizing it during the weekend to check out exactly how it came to reside  there.  The 21 year old man had his foot amputated 3 weeks ago, and started keeping it in a five gallon bucket filled with formaldehyde.
Police arrived at Rubottom's house late Sunday night after receiving a call from a parent who's child reported seeing the severed foot.  Unsure of what to make of the unusual discovery, police confiscated the foot and put it into evidence storage, when they found some of Rubottom's friends at the house, but no sign of Rubottom himself.  Officials wanted to be sure no crime had been committed.
Rubottom, an artist, recovering methamphetamine addict and occasional hip hop MC, said he was born with a clubbed foot and had suffered complications all his life.  The foot became seriously infected this summer and doctors decided it should be amputated.
Rubottom asked to have the severed foot.  Although an unusual request, a hospital spokesperson stated people can keep parts removed from their bodies if they want them as it's within their rights, because it's theirs.
After a friend picked up a bucket at a local hardware store, Rubottom added several objects as well as the severed foot - including a porcelain horse and a can of beer - to make what he called "a collage of myself".   He also cut off two of the toes, saying he was considering giving them to friends.
(There's a Van Gogh joke in there somewhere...)
Anyhow, tune into show 42 and hear more fascinating things about people you're glad you don't know.